Dealing with Problems at Bedtime
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Mouths to feed, dogs to walk, errands to run and emails to return…
You haven’t stopped all day, and you’re absolutely shattered. Why, oh why, you ask yourself, do I put myself through all of this? If only I had a million pounds (or a nanny, chef and P.A). A few more hours in the day would be nice too. But let’s be honest, most people are unlikely to ever be a millionaire. And as for the hours, not even the likes of Bill Gates could buy that kind of time!
However, there is one silver lining to your horridly busy day: your divinely warm and cosy bed. You can hear it beckoning to you, eager for you to fall into its warm embrace, upon which, the trials and tribulations of the day will just melt away. Hurriedly you wash the day away and slip into your decidedly unsexy, but supremely comfortable, nightwear. Sighing with blissful relief, you slide into the warm bed, switch the light off and begin to drift away on wispy clouds of sleep. There will be no counting of sheep tonight.
Shhhh…
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…That is all very well but if you have a child who doesn’t want to go to bed, this scenario is probably not what your bedtime looks like (though you can probably relate to the feelings of utter exhaustion!).
You can have problems getting your child to bed at any age but it is between the ages of 3 and 6 that the problems are likely to be more prevalent. Sometimes the problems at bedtime are just due to bad habits, so the answer here is to avoid them in the first place (only allow them to creep into your bed at night, without good reason, if this is something you are willing to accept as the norm). But since we can’t make our children fall sleep, how can we ensure that when bedtime arrives, bed is where they stay?
Setting bedtime – If you try putting a child to bed before they feel tired, it will be harder keeping them there, so make bedtime the time they are usually getting tired. If you want to change that time, do this in increments. For example, if they usually start getting tired around 10pm, but you want them to go to bed at 8pm, you can use this temporary bedtime to teach your child how to fall asleep quickly. Once they can do this, gradually make their bedtime earlier and earlier until they are going to sleep at the time you want them to. This needs to be done slowly, however, and in small increments of around fifteen minutes at a time.
Bedtime routine – Have a set routine for bedtime, making sure that the last activity they do is their favourite one as this will encourage them to get ready for bed. Avoid excitable, high energy activities as this will only make settling down all the harder.
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Rules and bedtime limits – Indirectly, your child has been the one making the bedtime rules up until now so, during this transfer of ownership, routine and rules will be your saviour here. Talk to them about the new rules and limitations but don’t allow it to turn into an argument or discussion. You can explain but there is no need to justify your reasons or make them long and detailed. Make sure you stick to the rules too otherwise you will send mixed messages to your children and will delay getting the kind of bedtime you want.
Be firm and consistent - Despite any protestations, stick to your guns. You are doing this for their own good, as well as yours, so you need to be firm and consistent throughout.
Getting out of bed – Some children may refuse to stay in bed but your resolve to get them to stay there must not falter. As long as all their needs have been met - i.e. there is a night light on for them, they have some water beside them, they do not need to use the bathroom, etc. - whatever time it is, how ever many times they come out of their bedroom, you must calmly but firmly put them back in their bed. The first few times you can remind them it is bedtime, but each time after that you should remain silent because anything else is giving them the attention they desire from you. You should do this until they finally stay in their bedroom. It may feel like hell at first - ignoring their screams, fighting your own exhaustion - but your children need to learn.
Rewards and praise – Don’t dwell on the unsuccessful nights but when you do get the behaviour you desire from your child, it’s important to acknowledge that to them and reward it in some way as soon as they wake up. A sticker chart is always good because it also acts as a visual aid for both of you to see how great they are doing.
Baby steps - If your child has been used to sleeping in your bed for a long time and on a regular basis, there is nothing wrong with starting off slow. Choose one night on which they have to sleep in their own bed (if they are old enough you could even get them to choose, giving them a sense of control). One night in their own bed will be much easier for a child to cope with emotionally than seven. Once you have successfully got them to stay in their own bed for one night, you can increase it to two or three. Eventually seven nights will not seem quite so daunting for anybody!
The last thing to remember is that it is imperative you remain firm and consistent throughout the transition, if you are going to succeed in getting your child to stay put at bedtime. At first you will encounter more sleepless nights and caffeine-fuelled days, but if you persist it WILL get better and once you have ridden that wave of fraught nights with your child, you will soon forget what those sleepless nights felt like.
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