Building Children's Confidence

Photo courtesy of Lauren Lulu Taylor (Unsplash)

From the moment they are born, children are learning; learning about the world and people around them, and who they are. As with their physical, emotional and intellectual development, confidence is not something a child is born with, it is something they learn, something that develops over time. Developing and maintaining that confidence is important because persistently low confidence can a profound effect on a child, the effects of which can sometimes go on to have a dramatic effect on their adult life.

We all know that, good or bad, if you hear something often enough you are probably going to believe it. So if a child is talked about as not being very confident, constantly being told they are not very good at something, or no matter what they do someone always finds fault with it, they are going to have little confidence in their own ability. Unchecked, this negativity could then seep into every other part of their life because they will project those perceived thoughts and feelings onto everything and everyone:

‘I always make mistakes so what’s the point in trying?'

‘Those people will think I’m terrible at football so why would they want me to be in their team?’

‘Even if I try my best, it won’t be good enough.’

We also know that too much of anything is not a good thing either, and constantly telling them everything they do is perfect is just as unhelpful as finding faults with everything. Nobody succeeds 100% of the time throughout their entire life so children need to learn how to effectively deal with failure. So, by-all-means, give them hearty praise when it is warranted but if you think they can do better encourage them to do so. If you do, always begin with a positive remark or two then add that, maybe next time, they could do something differently. For example, you might say something like:

‘That is lovely work, I can see you’ve put a lot of thought into it. I like the drawing you’ve done too. What lovely colours you’ve used. But you know, I think you could make it even better by trying to slow your writing down a bit. Then it would look fantastic!’

Photo courtesy of Sydney Rae (Unsplash)

For many children, their level of confidence is not an issue and they are secure enough not let criticism dent it, so when someone points out an imperfection they simply get over it or take it on board and act accordingly. Other children, however, may take criticism more personally and with each knock, their confidence is chipped away just that little bit more until it begins to have a marked effect on them. When that happens, unless something changes, that child will just lose more and more confidence and self-worth, which in turn will have a greater effect on other parts of their life, including schoolwork. Diminishing performance may then lead to more criticism which leads to lower confidence, and so the vicious circle remains.

So how can we break that vicious circle and replenish or top-up our children’s confidence level?

First of all, it is important to understand why their confidence levels are taking a hit, particularly if that confidence was previously high. Once you understand the why, you can deal with the issue and start helping them to build their own confidence. There can be many reasons why a child’s confidence levels may be low: perhaps shyness is a trait they have always had (thus leading to a lack of confidence), or they have ‘grown’ into the role inadvertently assigned to them by someone else, or there may be other influences taking a toll on their confidence.

The environment can make a difference too, and lots of children will not be confident in new situations, so you have to allow them time to develop that confidence for themselves. For the most part, when this is the case gentle encouragement and praise is all they need. You can also buff their existing confidence by noticing and praising or encouraging the small things behaviour such as playing, even if it is tentatively at first, with a new or unfamiliar group of children. The ultimate goal will be for your child to confidently join in. It is also important for them to have healthy attitudes towards failure as well as success (for example, not giving up or getting terribly upset when they fail), and to try something new even if they are a little daunted by it at first.

It can also be helpful to identify and praise the things they are good at. For example, if they are a good helper, tell them so, if they write very well, tell them how nice their writing is. Your child will feel proud that they have been able to do something so well as to provoke such praise from you. Asking them for help is also a nice way to boost their self-worth. Maybe they can use their ‘big muscles’ to help you carry some shopping in, or help count out your change because they are so clever.

Sometimes it really is the little things that can go the furthest.

If you feel your child’s confidence levels are particularly low, despite your best efforts to bolster it, it is always advisable to seek help and advice from a healthcare professional such as your GP. You should also look more closely at the possible causes if their confidence levels were once high.