Discipline for the Older Child

Photo courtesy of Thao Le Hoang

We all want our children to behave, not only for their own safety and well-being but also because it makes our lives that much easier. Depending on their age and temperament, disciplining an older child isn’t always that easy, especially when they are used to getting their own way (this is where it pays to start as you mean to go on).

As children grow, so too does their independence, so it’s important we don’t inhibit that. If we don’t allow them their independence, how can they learn to be an adult? But as with a lot of things, baby steps are needed here so you still need to make the rules. If those rules are broken, just like in real life, there must be a consequence. However, as the law-maker in your child’s life, it is also up to you to distinguish when discipline is needed and when it is not, but you must remain consistent. If you punish them for answering back one week, but let it slip the next, all you are doing is sending them mixed signals. This is not helpful for anyone.

So for those of you who are looking to tweak your child’s behaviour, as already mentioned, how you do this will depend on their age and temperament and, indeed, the situation, but if you address the issues when they first arise, you are more likely to prevent an escalation or continuation of the undesirable behaviour.

Tips to Tame a Little Tiger

• Be firm and consistent

Whatever the age of your children, you must remain firm and consistent. To do otherwise will only lead to confusion at best, or the outright breaking of ‘rules that don’t really matter’ at worst. It can sometimes feel like a battle of the wills but once you have decided a behaviour is not acceptable, do not back down on this.

• Praise the good more than you admonish the bad

Photo courtesy of Alan Campbell (Unsplash)

Children want your praise and attention, and they will get the latter any way they can if they feel they are not getting enough of it, even if it means misbehaving. Just like Skinner’s pioneering psychological research on the effectiveness of positive reinforcement: by focussing on the good, you are incentivising the behaviour you DO want to see from your child.

• Pick your battles

You have to be consistent with the big rules that keep them, and everyone else, safe, but not all rule-breaking needs to be followed with a punishment (sometimes a firm reminder is all that is needed). But some battles are worth the fight so, decide if it is worth it, and if it is, stick to your guns!

• Set rules and limitations

Sit down with your child and make sure the rules and limitations are clear. They are there for a reason so you do not need to justify them, just explain them.

• Make up after time-out

Time-out for older children will only work to a point so use your own judgement as to whether this is going to be appropriate for your child. If you do choose to use time-out, it needs to end with a clarification of what they did wrong and how they should have behaved (e.g. ‘You had time out because…’ or ‘Why do you think you had time out?...’Next time you should…’ or ‘What do you think you should do next time?’). Then make up with a hug (or their equivalent if they are too old for a hug!) and forget they ever had time-out. Do not confuse making-up with an admission of guilt for telling your child off. They had time-out for a reason and they need this direction from you. Making up is just so your child knows you do not hold a grudge, and they have your unconditional love even when they have misbehaved.

• Follow through with realistic consequences

If your child crosses the line, follow through with a consequence, but always ensure the consequence is realistic otherwise you’ll be undermining yourself and diluting the authority you have over your child. For example, don’t threaten to never let your child play the computer ever again if they don’t turn it off because you both know that will not happen.

Photo courtesy of Hello! I’m Nik (Unsplash)

• Give them a choice, and a chance to prove their responsibility

Allowing your child to have a choice where possible will give them a sense of independence. This can be anything from choosing when they do their homework, to what hairstyle to have (probably within reason!).

• Hindsight is a wonderful thing

  Give older children a second chance by allowing them to try again, this time behaving or reacting in a more appropriate way.

• Cause and effect

Older children understand cause and effect so, for example, if they are always late for school because they don’t want to get up, set an earlier bedtime/alarm for the next few nights/mornings, rather than dishing out a punishment. That way they will learn that in order to resume going to bed at the time they have been used to, they must ensure they start getting up on time for school.